Talking About Health Without Shame (Especially with Kids)

What if the way we talk about health is actually making people less healthy?

If conversations about food and bodies leave people feeling ashamed, judged, or defensive, they don’t change – they shut down.

We've probably all heard about the idea of "body shaming" – it's about not making people feel bad about their bodies.

Some people worry that this idea makes us ignore real health problems, like kids being overweight or having serious illnesses. I get why they worry! With so much unhealthy food around us, we can't just be silent.

But here's something I've been thinking about:

If the way we talk about health and food makes people feel bad or ashamed, especially kids, then are we really helping?

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Here's what you'll learn in this article:

• Why shame doesn't create health habits
• My story: When health conversations backfire
• 7 ways to talk about health without shame
• We don't have to be silent

Shame doesn't usually make us healthier. Instead, it can make us hide things, rebel, or feel alone.

So, if you're excited because changing your diet or trying a detox helped you feel amazing, how can you share that with people you care about without making them feel bad?

Today, I want to share what I've learned. It's not just from my own life, but also from reading what experts like therapists and doctors say about why our good intentions about health often go wrong.

I want to show you a way to talk about getting healthier that's honest and helpful, without pretending nutrition doesn't matter.

There's a way to share our health journeys that is supportive and encouraging, not bossy or judgmental.

About 30 years ago, when I was 28 and a new mom, I started eating whole foods. I was so excited!

• I lost weight without going on a strict diet or feeling hungry.
• I had more energy.
• My digestion improved.
• My mood got better.
• My son, who had been sick, got well.

I even got rid of 21 chronic illnesses and stopped taking five prescription drugs! I'm 59 now, and I still don't have those health problems. No more eczema, bad eyesight, allergies, or even those mini-strokes that I later realized were from unhealthy processed foods.

Related: If You Want to Get Well and Be Truly Healthy, You Need to Know This

I was thrilled and wanted to share what I learned. Many people noticed how different I looked in just six months and asked what I'd done.

But one family member, my children's grandma, reacted very negatively. If I tried to explain why I was feeding my kids differently, for example, after I'd asked her not to give them junk food and then found her giving my son chocolate cake... she would act really strangely.

She'd ask questions like, "Why would you deny your children cookies and cake? This is normal kid food, and it's meant to stop them!"

Then, if she didn't criticize me, she would literally pretend to fall asleep just seconds into my answer!

I was a young mom and honestly confused. I wasn't talking about her or telling her what to eat. I wasn't criticizing anyone. But I soon realized something important:

She felt personally shamed by my health journey, even though I never meant to shame her. She had struggled with her weight her whole life, even when most people were thin.

Seeing me lose weight, change my habits, and feed my family differently, and hearing me talk about all my new energy, made her feel bad. I felt like she liked me when I was heavier, and then turned against me when I was thin.

My excitement felt like judgment to her. My explanations felt like accusations. My answers felt like I thought I was better than her, even though that wasn't how I felt at all.

This experience taught me something no health book ever could.

The Hard Truth

People don't just hear what we say about food; they hear what it means about them. Messages about health are often filtered through their own past, their feelings, and their struggles.

So, instead of asking, "How do I get people to eat better?" We might need to ask, "How do I talk about health in a way that doesn't make people feel bad and shut down?"

Here are 7 tips I've learned from experts and my own life, including my past work as a therapist:

1. Talk About How Food Works, Not If It's "Good" or "Bad"

Think about your kids. A friend of mine realized he had grown up in a family that made fun of people's weight. Even though he talked about fitness to his two kids, who were overweight, he didn't realize they felt ashamed. After reading a book about this, he asked them, and they both said yes.

When he changed how he talked, both kids started being more active and eating healthier, and now they are both a healthy weight!

One big change is to stop using "moral" words about food.

Don't say:

• "Good food / bad food"
• "Being good today"
• "Cheating"
• "I shouldn't eat this"

Instead, say things like:

• "This detox helps my energy."
• "This change in my diet has really improved my digestion."
• "I notice my mood is better when I stopped eating [processed food]."
• "When I eat processed meat, it doesn't feel good in my stomach, and then I don't sleep well."

2. My Best Tips for Talking to Kids

Tip 1: Talk in the Car

I used to talk to my kids in the car. They can't escape! When you're driving them somewhere for 10 or 20 minutes, it's a great time. This works for tricky topics like sex or health, where kids might try to run away from the conversation if you bring it up in the kitchen or on the couch.

For example, my youngest son didn't have a father figure, so I had to teach him things a dad would. I might chat for 10 minutes about how his life is going to warm him up. Then, keeping it short, I'd say something like, "I like the girls you date, and I hope you always make sure they go home from the date even happier and just as safe as when they left, because they are someone's precious child."

Another tricky talk I had was explaining that "no means no," even if someone's face or body language says no, not just their words. Because girls can sometimes feel stuck or too scared to say no.

Who do you think will have these important conversations with your kids if you don't?

It's the same with their diet. If schools teach nutrition, they often focus on macros (grams of protein, fats, and carbs). This isn't really what matters most for a healthy life.

It's our job as parents to teach our kids about real, whole, life-giving foods and what ultra-processed foods are. Schools probably won't do it for us. If we don't, no one will teach our children these important ideas.

Tip 2: Keep it Short

My second tip is to keep your talks short. Aim for under a minute if you can. Kids, especially between 13 and 21, tend to tune out or get annoyed after that. They might even roll their eyes or walk away!

When we talk about food as biology (how it affects our bodies) instead of character (if someone is "good" or "bad"), people feel safer listening.

Tip 3: Make it Personalized to What They Care About

My third tip is to make any talk about food and health relevant to your child.

Don't use "you" language that sounds like you're pointing a finger. Instead, say something like, "I learned lately that drinking soda takes oxygen from your red blood cells, which can make you slower when you're running. I bet the fastest soccer players in your league don't drink soda. What do you think?"

After I said something like this, my child actually stopped drinking soda. You know kids get unhealthy foods elsewhere, even if you don't keep them in your home.

Tip 4: Start with a Compliment

My fourth tip is pure magic: Start what you say with, "You probably already know this, but..." Then, add whatever you want to tell them.

Your child will listen with an open mind because they'll immediately think, "Did I know that?" If they did, they'll tell you! If they didn't, they'll still think you complimented them by assuming they are smart.

3. Separate Health from Body Size

This is tough because we've often been taught that weight equals health. But it's not always true.

A big study showed that "skinny fat" – where thin-looking people have fat around their organs – can be riskier than having typical body fat that we see as "fat." Many thin people just have fat streaks in their organs because they don't move enough.

Here's the truth:

• You can eat healthier without talking about people's bodies.
• You can be a healthy role model without judging someone's worth.
• Especially with kids, constantly watching their bodies creates anxiety, not wellness.

I learned to say things like: "Health is about how your body works and how you feel, not how you look or the number on the scale." That one sentence changes everything.

I also had a family member who always criticized her own body and called herself "fat" in front of her daughters. This is common, but I wonder if our daughters feel ashamed or too self-conscious if their mothers change clothes five times and ask, "Do these pants make me look fat?"

Kids notice these things. I decided early on not to change clothes more than once or criticize my own body in front of my children. Of course, I had to retrain my own brain because I grew up in the 80s when being "fat" was shamed. I had to learn not to look in every mirror and think I looked "all wrong."

I know that in 10 years, I'll look back at myself now and think, "Wow, I looked good! I wish I could look like that again!"

4. Share Your Story, Not Rules

This was the biggest lesson from my early years.

I gained and then lost over 50 pounds when my first two children were little. They wouldn't remember that, but later, when I was trying different detox methods and eventually spent 2.5 years creating my own GreenSmoothieGirl Detox, I hoped my kids would join me. (And both my daughters have, and both my sons do some parts of what I taught them growing up.)

To encourage them, I didn't pressure them. I just talked about how amazing I felt, and I was very specific. I didn't talk about how much weight I'd lost – they could see that.

I don't remember exactly what I said that made my children's grandma react so negatively, but it felt like she took it personally.

When I shared what changed for me, people leaned in and listened.

Using "I" language really matters.

Instead of:

• "People need to stop feeding their kids this junk."

Try things like this:

• "What surprised me was how my son's hyperactivity changed when I stopped feeding him processed food."
• "My joints stopped hurting by the fourth day of doing the GreenSmoothieGirl Detox."

Stories make people curious. Rules and judgment make people resistant.

5. Teach Skills, Not Control

This is super valuable, especially for teenagers.

Skills make people feel strong and capable. Control, or even a tiny hint of judgment, makes them feel ashamed.

Skills look like:

• Cooking together.
• Reading food labels together.
• Talking about how food affects sleep, skin, focus, anxiety, or sports performance – whatever matters to them personally.
• Asking their opinion, like, "What do you think about that?" and truly listening.

Not:

• Watching everything they eat.
• Restricting foods.
• Counting their bites or scolding them for getting second helpings.

When people feel capable and trust you, they become curious. When they feel watched, they rebel.

6. Ask Permission Before Giving Advice

This comes straight from therapists, and it works.

Before you share something, ask:

• "Can I tell you something I learned?"
• "Are you open to hearing what helped me?"

If they say no, you drop it. Unwanted advice almost always sounds like judgment, no matter how kind you mean to be.

7. Model Self-Respect, Not Self-Criticism

This one surprised me. The experts who talk about body shaming point out that kids learn more from how we talk about ourselves than how we talk about them.

Saying:

• "I'm so bad for eating this."

Teaches:

• "My food choices decide if I'm a good person or not."

Instead, I learned to say:

• "I enjoyed that—and now I'm listening to what my body needs."

That's powerful! Your kids watch what you do more than what you say. As a parent of four grown-up kids (ages 25 to 32), I can tell you that they remember 20% of what I said and 80% of what I did.

Let me be clear:

• We don't have to pretend nutrition doesn't matter.
• We don't have to ignore serious health issues.
• And we don't have to stop caring just because someone might feel uncomfortable.

But if a lot of our children are overweight, and shame has been part of the conversation for decades, then maybe shame isn't as helpful as we thought.

Maybe we were shamed and turned out okay, but what if there's an even better way?

There is a way to talk about health that:

• Honors how our bodies work.
• Respects people's choices.
• Builds confidence instead of fear.
• Encourages curiosity instead of rebellion.

I learned this the hard way – through family stress, misunderstandings, and years of trying different things. Plus, my education and experience as a psychotherapist helped too!

If this conversation helps even one parent, grandparent, or friend talk with more clarity and kindness – if it helps one child be loved, educated, and encouraged toward better health – then it's a conversation worth having.

 

If you’re ready to experience this kind of transformation yourself – without shame, extremes, or confusion – my GreenSmoothieGirl Detox – my greatest gift to the world, in my nearly 20 years of writing 17 books, all my life’s work – walks you through it step by step.