Ep.34: The Energetics of Tantra
Our previous episode was about Sexual Energetics. Today is a followup to that. This is an introduction to Tantra. As we talk about vibration and living at higher frequencies, talking about our sex life has to be part of that, if we’re really gonna cover the gamut. So, I do want to warn you, that there is talk in this episode that is sexual, so if that is not for you, please don’t feel bad about skipping this episode.
As a practitioner in sex therapy, I loved the ancient practice of Tantric sexuality, brought into the modern day. You don’t have to immerse yourself in eastern mysticism to find it appealing. If you’re looking for a very slow and sensuous experience, I feel it’s the perfect antidote, to an affluent world craving connection. I discuss how it’s a journey, rather than a destination experience.
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Hey everyone, and welcome back to Your High Vibration Life. Our previous episode was about Sexual Energetics: The Most Powerful Force Field in the Universe. Today is a followup to that. This is called, Introduction to Tantra. What I’m doing is, I’m actually reading the forgotten chapter. The forgotten chapter being, I wrote the book, Your High Vibe Life, and we had to cut it by 30,000 words. We had to cut a third of the book, and this was a chapter that ended up on the cutting room floor.
It’s a subject that I think is important. As we talk about vibration and living at higher frequencies, talking about our sex life has to be part of that, if we’re really gonna cover the gamut, and if we’re really gonna be authentic here. So, I do want to warn you, that there is a talk in this episode that is highly sexual, so if that is not for you, please don’t feel bad about skipping an episode of this podcast. For the rest of you who do want to stay with me, here we go.
Introduction to Tantra. As a practitioner in sex therapy, I loved the ancient practice of Tantric sexuality, brought into the modern day. You don’t have to immerse yourself in eastern mysticism to find it appealing. If you’re looking for a very slow and sensuous experience, that doesn’t skip over the most delicious part of the sex act, I feel it’s the perfect antidote, to an affluent world craving connection.
It’s a journey, rather than a destination experience. I often asked my clients, “What’s the only thing that’s better than sex?” Mostly, they’d look at my stupefied. The men couldn’t think of anything, and the women ventured, “Chocolate?” Nope, I’d supply the answer. Sexual tension is often even better than sex. Were it not so, there would be no foreplay, and endless jokes among women about the rush to the finish line by their partners in the bedroom.
The rest of this section might qualify as erotica, so if learning a different way to explore your sexuality with someone you care about doesn’t interest you, you can skip this section. In this pornography saturated world, we have some false and disturbing realities presented to us, in literally millions of hours of filmed prostitution, available to virtually anyone with a credit card. Much of it is in fact, available for free, where our children find it.
Film makers instruct the actors to keep their hands out of the frame, as the entire scene is shot for the focus on penetration. So foreplay, and anything in sexuality that requires the sense of touch, or use of the hands, is mostly taboo. Pleasure and orgasm are in all the wrong places, in pornographic depiction of sex. An adolescent or adult male would be very confused indeed, entering his real first real sexual experience if he had received his education from the porn industry.
Very little of the story around a sex act is ever shown, unless the pornography was shot for a female audience, in which case, it’s low budget and corny, and the narrative that ensues is neither believable nor interesting, and substitutes sex acts for the real life, long, slow play of a woman getting to know a man.
The fact is, in real life, there’s always a narrative that leads up to any memorable intimate experience. You imagine the situation before it happens, and in fact, you’re likely to dwell on those anticipated details far more time than the actual even ends up taking. You plan what you’ll wear, you imagine the unfolding of a conversation, and a long orchestration of the sexual encounter.
Flirting takes place, often for day or weeks prior to the event itself. The imagination runs wild and makes the event itself even more exciting. Of course, what actually happens is often very different than what you imagined. After all, two people’s narratives and motives may be different. Which, is just one of the reasons I suggest that we be very careful with our sexual energies, and recognize the power of them, including the power to be deeply hurt. Both men and women.
That’s what’s so exciting about it. You are only half the narrative. To be open to Tantra, you’re going to have to let go of the idea that sex is an emergency. When I wrote the first draft of this chapter, I sent it to a married friend. She said, “This seems way too intimate for married people to pull off.” I laughed and she said, “After a long day of work, I don’t know that I really want to have anyone looking into my soul. Am I an anomaly?” I hear that. She is no anomaly.
I pitched my agent on another book, about the connection between diet and good sex, and she didn’t want to sell it. As I talked to other wellness authors, asking their opinion on the book proposal, they told me what I already knew from my previous professional experience. My friend, Dr. Tammy Maralia, a medical doctor who works with women in mid-life said, “Women aren’t gonna buy a book about sex because, their libido is too low, and their partners aren’t happy about it, but they’re just fine with it. It’s not bothering them.”
If either of those scenarios describes you, we’ve got some work to do here in general, with your energetics. That is, if you relate to my married friend saying, “she’s too exhausted for soul gazing” or if your partner isn’t happy with your libido but you don’t much care, as you increase your energy overall, it shows up in your sex life, in a positive and powerful way. That of course, makes for a very connected and loving relationship.
First of all, late at night isn’t conducive to a good sexual connection for many people. We may have it all wrong here in the western world, with this unwritten cultural rule, that sex happens at bedtime. This depends on your biorhythms. Think about it. Late at night, melatonin production is increasing, and the body is preparing for sleep. Suddenly, we decide it’s a good time to do the most powerful energetic thing there is, short of maybe running sprints?
The gym is empty at 11 pm because no one wants to run sprints then. Some cultured of the world go home for lunch and make love, because they intuitively realize this. They’re the same cultures of the world who don’t eat a big dinner, and they live longer than we do. Sometimes, the sexual disconnect in a marriage can be related to different biorhythms, which of course, are just a type of vibration.
One partner might be a morning person, who bounces out of bed, ready to go for a four mile run, and he’s married to a person who hits snooze three times, and needs a coffee before a conversation is even possible. What follows will read like erotica, but it will actually have very little sex in it. It’s more about structuring and exploring the slow pace of erotic build up of sexual tension. Few would argue that this isn’t the best kind of sex anyway, but as with anything else in our whirlwind culture, we’ve lost the art of stillness. The pleasure of grounding. The delicious mystery of exploration.
Tantric Sex: The Antidote to oversexed and under touched.
The modern version of the age old practice of Tantra can reconnect you to a lover with whom things have gotten stale. Where new energy can reignite an old flame, and it can also create a really beautiful and intimate beginning to a relationship with a new partner. Just give him a warning, if you’re going to guide him through this Tantric exercise, that it’s very, very intimate. See if he’s ready for that.
Both partners have to feel very safe, especially the female, or whoever has the more Yang energy. You want to prepare the Fung Shui, perhaps so that there is water flowing in the room, if that makes you happy. A small electrical water feature can be purchased from Ikea, or even Walmart for 25 bucks. Candles are always lovely and the juxtaposition of fire and water is a perfect setting for a memorable sexual experience. Pay a little bit of attention to the lighting, which should be adequate but not bright, and be ready with music, like whole tones, that is written specifically to the vibration frequency of 528Hz, that I link you to in the show notes.
It’s perfect for up leveling to a beautiful vibe together. A nice bottle or organic wine, and two lovely glasses might be part of your planning. In my bedroom, I have a power plate, which is expensive and it’s part of my health and exercise program, not specifically a sexual prop. But, it’s very helpful for detoxifying, increasing your energy, and raising the vibration of your every cell. Plus, it’s fat burning, as it causes rapid fire of millions of muscle fibers, and it helps stability and bone density, but it’s an amazing addition to a Tantra session.
I’ll link to the power plate in the show notes. Before you begin, you’ll want to each take a few minutes on the power plate if you have one, or if not, do some light stretching, facing each other, but not touching, both of you wearing comfortable clothes.
Number one. The first stage involves some deep eye contact. This isn’t a staring contest so, you may want to talk for a moment about how the eyes are the only way to look into someone’s soul. You want to honor that window in each other. You’re going to spend 5-15 minutes, just looking at each other. You’ll sit in any comfortable but close position, but consider the traditionally Tantric Yum Yab position, where your legs are draped over his, and you are facing each other. Your faces about 18″ apart.
Until and unless you mutually decide to participate in intercourse, there is no expectation of this and it may or may not be part of the process. There is little overtly sexual touch. Meaning, touching erogenous zones, especially in these early phases. Don’t worry, you may actually have the most erotic and memorable experience of your life. And, you don’t have to have sex for 36 hours like Sting and Trudy Styler famously like to report to the media, that they did, as they brought tantra to western public consciousness in the 1970’s. Ain’t nobody got time for that.”, as my friend said.
If you do, go for it but, while this is a definitively slower and longer experience, it doesn’t have to take longer than an hour, or whatever time you have. Tantra won’t work for a quickie or a nooner though. As you sit facing each other, look into each other’s eyes, and express whatever feels natural and authentic to you. Committed partners may express to each other, what it’s like to see so deeply into each other’s very being, and you may be odd and humbled by the sense of your partner’s vulnerability.
How does that make you feel? How do you feel, about this whole upcoming experience? Words of affirmation and authentic praise, put a partner’s mind at ease and gradually transition them into lowering their guard, the resistance, and possibly being more open to you than they ever have been. If you feel uncomfortable with someone, anyone, looking into your eyes for an extended period of time, that’s okay. It’s not often that we allow someone so much access to looking at us in such an intimate way. It can feel strange at first. Try to continue the process until you do feel very comfortable. Usually, that anxiety will ease.
Number two. You may wish to touch each other in non sexual ways. For instance, try putting your hand over the heart of your partner. Feel it beating. It’s perfectly acceptable, though not required, nothing is required, to comment on how it feels, what you’re thinking and feeling in this moment.
Third, now you move into a phase of getting very, very close to your partners lips. You will not kiss. Instead, you will slowly notice her breathing and match it, as you become very conscious of it, and are slowly able to match her breathing. As she exhales, you inhale. Imagine yourself as one living organism, merging with your breath. Your lips should be very close, and they may even touch on occasion. You may even want to touch her lip with your tongue now and then. How sexy is that? The restraint required here is considerable but, you’ll spend 10 minutes or longer, just breathing together.
Finally, you will kiss when the moment is total perfection, and when either one of you initiates that. Take a long time to kiss before moving onto the next phase, because there is nothing so amazing, as a long, slow kiss. Don’t rush this phase. You do not have anything better to do. Do not move from this phase to intercourse, though you may come back to this phase if you wish.
Number four. You can now take turns giving each other a Tantric massage. You’ll take as much time with it, as your partner wants. You generally, notice I say, “Generally, there are no rules here.”, generally do not touch erogenous zones, though you may come dangerously close to sexually sensitive parts, with your fingertips, your lips, or other parts of your body. That’s totally okay and highly encouraged.
Number five. As I said before, you may not actually ever have sexual intercourse. If that’s against the rules for the stage of the relationship you’re in, it’s entirely optional, and this is a very exciting way to take steps that direction, setting limits up front. You should note however, that you may be more aroused than ever, and that abstaining may be difficult because of life long conditioning for what happens next.
If you do flow into a phase of intercourse, it should happen so very naturally, so easily, that no hands even need to be involved. You may enter her so fluidly after so much build up of tension, and the resulting energetic flow, that seems to make you almost two parts of one whole. That you slide inside virtually without effort. What happens next, is absolutely natural, and absolutely magical.
Proceed through any positions you like, but only positions in which you face each other, and make an effort to maintain significant eye contact. It’s become clear that orgasm is very good for us. Even necessary. Obviously, sexual climax releases a flood of hormones, and they make you feel good in the moment, but they also actually slow down aging, and give you more access to states of relaxation than virtually anything else can.
These are just suggested stages, and it’s your Tantric practice. There are no rules, only guidelines, designed for a completely different sexual experience than you may have ever had before. I hope that it’s the perfect antidote to the porn culture, that frustrates us all. Even, and especially the addicts themselves. We all want more connection. When a human being watches porn for the first time, he never realizes that it may harm his ability to create a meaningful and loving sexual relationship in the future. The process here is simple. It’s as loving as it is erotic, and it’s designed to create more electricity in your intimate life, and more wellness in your life overall. Now, go live your high vibration life. I’ll see you next time.