GreenSmoothieGirl Goes Down in Flames in Smackdown! Part 2 of 3

I should count my blessings that Team Jillene didn’t make a federal case out of the habanero. When I was a kid, I once dared my dad to eat the biggest jalapeno in our garden in one bite. He did, and the hardest-working, toughest man I’ve ever known got so sick he went to bed for the rest of the Saturday. I’d come in every little while, begging his forgiveness–I cried a lot that day because I felt so bad. He’d just roll over and turn his back to me.

To her credit, afterwards, she came into the bathroom where I hung over the toilet, holding my hair back with one hand and dry-heaving. She said, meekly, “This is punishment enough. You don’t have to run Suncrest.”

(Her punishment for me was to run 5 miles up to the highest point between Utah and Salt Lake valleys, and then back down.)

I only WISH!

Well, now you know how to make the naughtiest, nastiest, gnarliest green smoothie EVER.

Nothing could be more awful. I drank ¾ of it, opening up my throat and just throwing it back, stopping only twice, before Jillene beat me. In about 90 seconds. JUST LOOK AT THIS CRAZY PERSON! She had green stuff all over her face like one-year olds do who face-plant in their birthday cake!

(And I was so nice, all I did is apples, parsley, and dandelion greens. All the Hot Dental Chicks came up and tasted both smoothies after with their finger. They came in the bathroom to offer condolences because the one I drank was just WRETCHED in comparison.)

I never did throw up, though I desperately wanted to. (Sometimes an iron stomach is a curse.) I kept reminding myself that raw vegetables and fruits take 45 minutes to digest, at most. Sure enough, the burning and nausea ended an hour later.

Well, congrats, Jillene! You are certifiably insane. But you are a competitor. YOU WIN!

Well, whatever it takes to get the message out! I guess I have to suffer for my art? (Plus it will make good TV.)

Tomorrow, cool stuff from Michelle Jorgenson’s lecture in the class we co-taught at The Good Earth Orem before the Smackdown.

I’ve officially been SMACKED.

GSG Goes Down In Flames in Smackdown, part 1 of 3

The smackdown. I didn’t even know what hit me. My opponent’s boss had warned me, whispering, “She is CRAZY! She manhandled my husband out of a chair at the company party–and that was just MUSICAL CHAIRS, for crying out loud!”

When she came in wearing combat boots and a gun belt, that should have been my first clue.

Team “G.I. Jillene” was out in force, wearing signs around their necks.

Kristin, my best friend and the sum total of Team GreenSmoothieGirl, sadly said, shaking her head as Jillene mixed up her Death Sludge: “Robyn, you are just WAY too nice for this contest.”

She’s right–I’m so straight-up I never even see devious people coming. Not even in the movies. While I threw some stuff in a bag last-minute and relied on none of it being frozen, and no sweetener, to gag her…..she and her co-workers were hatching evil plans for days.

They didn’t even use wheat grass juice. All my training was kid stuff. What she did would make a grown man FANTASIZE about wheat grass juice.

The two-fruit rule we agreed to? Jillene chose a HABANERO PEPPER and a whole lemon for her fruit! I had brought an orange and an apple.

I spent a copious amount of time afterward hanging over the toilet, trying not to throw up my almost-quart of:

1. HORSERADISH ROOT. A big, fat, six-inch long root.

2. Rhubarb. (I had to NEGOTIATE for this–beg the ref, really!–as an alternative for the habanero!)

3. Frozen radishes.

4. Dandelion stems.

5. The ENTIRE peel from a whole lemon.

6. I don’t even know. My mind went numb. I just saw scary green things goin’ in the blender. Thick and frozen.

You know what horseradish does in your mouth? It does the same thing in your STOMACH.

Funny, because I wasn’t even nervous going in. I have always had an iron stomach. Since the winter of garage-juicing the wheat grass juice, I’ve thrown up only once in the past 15 years.

The rest of the story tomorrow!

Training for Green Smoothie Smackdown: wheat-grass juice overdose?

So Jillene of Total Care Dental and I are gonna do Green Smoothie Smackdown on Weds. night after my class in Orem. On camera. If you’re coming to that class, stay and cheer us on!

She’ll make me a quart of GS, and I’ll make her a quart, and we’ll race to drink it. There will be some awful athletic punishment for the loser.

(Jillene just did a 206-mile bike race last week, so I’m not sure I could find a punishment she wouldn’t enjoy. So I think I’m going to have her write a long essay about green smoothies. Maybe a song too. She’ll probably make me ride a unicycle up Mt. Everest.)

Somehow Jillene heard about my wheat-grass-juice aversion/phobia. It dates back to when I was pregnant 14 years ago and was juicing it all through the winter, with two friends. It made me gag. Sometimes I’d run over to my friend’s garbage (we did the juicing in her garage, took turns) and throw up.

It’s such powerful stuff it is sold by the ounce, and most people drink 2 ounces, chased by water. It’s incredibly detoxifying. Crazy anti-cancer, oxygenating, power food like virtually no other.

I’m going to have to put a limit on Jillene’s plans. (YOU CAN’T DRINK A QUART OF WHEAT GRASS JUICE!)

But, this has inspired me to CONQUER MY AVERSION. Do. Not. Tell. Jillene. This:

I’ve been secretly training.

Every day I get FOUR OUNCES of wheat grass juice from Good Earth and slam it.

When Tennyson is with me, I get grass juice for him, too. He actually likes the taste of it and begs for it! I, on the other hand, did fine the first week, got a little cocky even. But the second week I started to dread it and make jokes with the employees who made it for me. The third week, the dread would start hours before I was going to call in my order and stop by. (Tip: if you call as you leave home, it’s ready when you get there.)

This past Saturday, all morning, I had the angel on one shoulder and the devil on the other, arguing:

“You get a day off!”

“No, you don’t–the Smackdown is coming right up, don’t be a baby!”

“No, you don’t have to do it. You’re gagging just thinking about it. It’s SATURDAY! A quart of green smoothie is ENOUGH today.”

“What is the matter with you? You cannot win if you take days off. You don’t even DESERVE the name Green Smoothie Girl.”

Even WRITING about wheat grass juice, I keep getting chills down my spine. The bad kind. I truly have some kind of mental/emotional problem with it. Only one other food invokes my gag reflex. (My roommates in the dorms knew, if we walked into the cafeteria and I immediately turned and ran out–when I caught a whiff. They’d turn to each other and say, knowingly, “Creamed corn.”)

In these photos taken yesterday, ask Matthew–I made all kinds of drama about drinking my two shots, while he kept saying, “Yummy!” and complaining that I bought him only 2 oz. (Also a basket of homemade fudge from Ch. 4 of 12 Steps, green smoothies, kombucha, sprouted flax crackers, and other stuff.)

So I’m still standing after 3 weeks of “training.” I’m ready to take on whatever Jillene wants to dish out Weds. night. Bring it on.

However, I’ve had some interesting detox reactions. I’m generally an emotionally even-keeled person. I don’t cry a lot or get really sad. But the second week of drinking large amounts of grass juice, I found myself revisiting old issues and even cried a little bit—about things both happy and sad. (Did you know that your emotions are closely linked to your biology, and you may find yourself extremely sad, irritable,  or angry, when you detox?)

My skin also has been awful for several days!

Only the most hardcore health-food junkies can probably answer this:

What have been your experiences with wheat grass juice?