Amorphous Blob of Diet Pepsi Jelly-Sausage

Just got back from the Bay Area–yummy raw food at Café Gratitude in Berkeley (photo below). Taught a really fun class in Oakland (will post photos as soon as someone sends me some–since I forgot my camera), so great to meet y’all who came!

So Laura (my best friend for 30 years) and I were hiking in Lafayette this weekend [photo below] and had this conversation:

Laura: You know, this really makes me mad, I had ONE vice. Is that too much to ask? You know, at 3:30 every afternoon, no matter where I was, I would fill a cup up with ice. Everywhere I work, everybody knows what I’m doing when they see me coming with the SMALL cup of ice: to fill it up with a SMALL amount of Diet Pepsi.

Robyn: Well, you drink wine. So technically isn’t that TWO vices?

Laura: No. Wine is good for you.

Robyn: Oh.

Laura: Anyway, so now, I have my own soda fountains, how lucky is that? But no!

(Laura owns a really cool store store that sells much better stuff than just Diet Pepsi.)

Laura: So my employee Greg was cleaning out the soda fountain machines one day, and he said, ‘Laura, you have got to see this.'” And I go over . . . and there is . . . [a look of horror comes over her face] . . .

. . . this quivering, gelatinous, mucousy sausage of goo. It was heinous, I’m telling you. Trembling, jelly-like, thick, brown . . . OMG! I don’t have words for the horror. It was in the tube coming out of the Diet Pepsi thing! [She is gesticulating wildly with her hands.]

And I have never had a Diet Pepsi since. That was last fall. I will never drink it again.

Robyn: I feel a blog entry forming in my head. But the problem is, a lot of people would read that and it wouldn’t slow them down for a minute. They’d keep drinking Diet Pepsi.

Laura: NO. No one would! No one! OMG! [She shudders.] You don’t understand. Did I say that it was like a giant SAUSAGE of slithery chemicals?

Robyn: I need a photo.

Laura: No! Then no one will come in my store! Everyone will stop buying Diet Pepsi! Anyway, I’m not sure a photo will do it justice. You have to see the quivering to fully appreciate it. It’s a video kind of thing.

Robyn: [stopping her on the hiking path, making a praying sign with my hands] A video then. I would pay money for that. Pretty please, I’m begging! This won’t hurt your business. It should hurt Pepsi, though it probably won’t. Remember 20 years ago when you worked at Bain and one of your clients was a meat packing plant? And you told me to promise you I would never eat a hot dog? Or let any of my future progeny eat one? I’ve kept that promise–no hot dogs!

End of conversation . . .

We’ll see whether I get my way on this one. If I obtain the photo or video. My birthday isn’t till February. Do not think I won’t remember to ask her for a photo of the Diet Pepsi Mucousy Sausage then, if she hasn’t sent me visual evidence yet.

Those of you who attend my classes may know my answer when some dude raises his hand and says, “If I drink a quart of green smoothie daily, it’s okay that I eat all kinds of other crap, right?” (Always, always a man who says that.) And my answer is, “I’m not answering that.”

Ditto my answer for the question, “So I should switch to Diet Coke, right?”